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ANOTHER NORMAL STAGE Date: Friday, November 15, 1996 Section: EXTRA Page: 1 KathleenBrehony was in her early 40s. A relationship she'd been in for 10 years was breaking up. She lost her job - 20 days after closing on a $1,200-a-month home mortgage. Then she found out her mother was dying of leukemia. A licensed clinical psychologist, Brehony was more than familiar with the warning signs of the so-called midlife crisis. ``It felt like I was falling off a cliff,'' the former Roanoker says. ``It was not just this internal guilt and anguish, but the sense that life was not going to be what I'd thought it was going to be. ``Most people live as if they'll never have to let go of anything. When the truth is, if you live long enough, you'll have to let go of everything.'' That Brehony did let go of everything - and re-emerged much richer for it - is the theme of her story and many others chronicled in her new book, ``Awakening at Midlife: Realizing Your Potential for Growth and Change'' (Putnam, $24.95). The book, which hit the shelves in mid-September, is a hit among soul-searching baby boomers, who are turning 50 this year at a rate of 10,000 a day. Brehony believes the book differs from the rest of the self-help fare because it treats midlife as a normal stage of development - not unlike separation anxiety in a 2-year-old. ``A lot of what's out there now [in books] is `midlife is only rosy,' the empty nest, climb-a-mountain sort of thing,'' says Brehony, now 47. But that's only half the story. ``The other half is, the universe kicks our a--, and we won't survive these changes simply by acquiring new things. We have to empty our hands in order to pick up anything new . I mean, why's it so important to drive a BMW if, in the end, you're gonna die? ``People are looking for something, something real, to fill that big soul gap.'' Brehony uses real-life examples of midlife transitions, most culled from her psychotherapy practice at the Counseling Center in Roanoke from 1982 to 1988 and, more recently, in Virginia Beach. (Names and identifying details have been changed to preserve anonymity). She translates Carl Jung's insights on midlife into simple language in the first half, and devotes the second half of the 350-page book to strategies for growth in midlife. She suggests exploring some of the approaches that helped her, such as: *Dreams, ``which are not random, they're there for a reason.'' Jung said dreams are like X-rays of the psyche, and Brehony suggests recording them and reflecting on them. *Find out what adds the most to your life, and what doesn't, and act accordingly. Boomers besieged with anxiety and depression are paying ``for not living out our destinies; for being who society expects us to be. We pay for living a provisional life, devoid of passion, just getting by.'' Living authentically may mean having fewer friendships than you used to, but having richer exchanges with the friends you do connect with. ``I used to be a lot more extroverted than I am now,'' Brehony says. ``I'm still an extrovert, but it's more focused. ``I say `no' more than I used to, but I say `yes' more often to things I wouldn't have before.'' *Practice some form of meditation, prayer, quiet time, reflection or introspection every day. *Ask yourself two questions: ``What did I most love to do when I was about 10 years old?'' and ``What would I do with my time if I won the lottery and was financially set for the rest of my life?'' The answers provide great insight into what the soul craves, Brehony believes. Brehony's own dream had always been to try creative nonfiction. But she was scared to venture beyond the academic articles she had previously published. ``For the same reason a lot of people put off their own creative destinies,'' she says. ``Fear.'' Quoting an Eastern mystic, she says: ``The winds of grace are always blowing, but first we have to open the sail.'' In other words, be awake to the possibilities around you. People experiencing loss of a parent or a job or divorce find themselves hardest hit by midlife - ``if you've only defined yourself by that particular role.'' Coping with her own midlife crisis made her a stronger and more creative person, ``but only after a lot of pain, reading and meditating,'' she says. ``It's a scary road, but all good myths take place in that dark spot. The people who go through life seemingly easily - without ever questioning their values and relationships - those are the people who come [through midlife] the worst. They're not awake.'' Brehony's favorite metaphor for midlife is that of being on a boat: Each of us is driven by winds and tides we have no control over. But it doesn't mean we should lay in the bottom of the boat and eat bonbons. ``You can learn about your boat. You can pack for the trip, figure out how to use the winds and tides to go in the direction you're naturally supposed to go.'' For Brehony, charting her own course means dividing time between her writing and her private practice in Virginia Beach. Her next book is about ordinary people who do extraordinary things and, in the process, strengthen their communities. Public service is also explored in ``Awakening at Midlife'' as a tool for bridging the midlife passage. ``The best way to feel better about yourself is to do something for somebody else,'' Brehony says. ``There is no end to the ways we can serve.'' Judging by the response to the book - the first printing run is nearly sold out - boomers are finding companionship on her pages. At a recent book signing in Virginia Beach, a woman handed her a note detailing her pending divorce and wrote: ``I know that God sent you to help me.'' Another reader, a man, said to her: ``You described my life perfectly. Have you been following me around for the last four years?'' KathleenBrehony will sign copies of her book from 7 to 9 tonight at Books-A-Million at Crossroads Mall and atRam's Head Books in Towers Mall, 1 to 3 p.m. Saturday. Caption: PHOTO: 1. (headshot) Brehony. 2. Cover of "Awakening at Midlife." color |
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